Staying humble
It sounds easy. But is it imposter syndrome, people pleasing, or...?
What you will get from this post:
An exploration of why it’s nice to be called humble (especially if you’re a people pleaser)
Thoughts around whether being humble is a symptom of imposter syndrome
A reminder of the benefits of being quietly confident.
Being humble is probably the most underrated life skill I can imagine. But is it a skill or a curse?
I’m probably going to do the least humble thing you could imagine and share an extract from a message that I received from a lovely guy called Ainsley, who I met at a dinner in Edinburgh after an event. We had a good chat as we were sat next to each other, we said the usual pleasantries, and found we both had a mutual excitement about helping the next generation and around innovation.
So, here goes. The message. «cringe»
Now, I have to be honest. There is part of me that is absolutely delighted to have received this. It made my day. But as I thought about it more, it made me wonder. Do I believe in myself?
The thing is, earlier that day, I was asked whilst on stage about imposter syndrome. It felt a very difficult question to answer, because in all honesty, it’s not something I’ve ever knowingly suffered from. I don’t yet have a recording of the fireside chat that I participated in so can’t share my answer verbatim; however it was something along the lines of:
“To be honest, that’s a really difficult question for me to answer, because in truth I don’t believe I have imposter syndrome. Perhaps I look at things too logically, but I think we are all people and if I see people doing things, I don’t doubt that I should be able to do them if I applied myself to it. Secondly, there’s an old saying that everyone gets promoted to the job just above where their capabilities are. If that’s the case, we’re all imposters, so why should I worry about it?”
I think that’s roughly what I said. Thinking back to it, I probably sounded like a right plonker. I couldn’t win a heavyweight title like Tyson Fury, create amazing companies like Jeff Bezos, or win a golden boot at the World Cup. I know that.
But, I also know deep down that I never think to myself “should I really be here? Is this real?"
My life is my life. I love the journey, but also, deep down I feel like I deserve the journey. I know I’ve put in the hard yards, and have made more sacrifices than most to be doing what I do - some of which I’m glad of, some of which I desperately regret.
Anyway, back to the topic. Is being humble a symptom of imposter syndrome? Taking a step back, I’m sure it might be. But I’m also sure that it might be the polar opposite!
Yes, I’m full of contradictions. I’m sure that both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are arguable and potentially valid answers to that question… I’m happy to admit when I don’t know!
The case ‘for’ is simple.
Someone doesn’t believe in themselves. So they don’t believe in themselves when they speak to others.
That ‘for’ case is the easy answer, and I guess what made my mind start going down that route.
But before we start exploring the case ‘against’, which on reflection I think is stronger, let’s first explore my take on being humble.
Clearly, it’s something that’s important to me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been so elated to have received the message. Clearly, it’s also something that isn’t 100% true, otherwise, I wouldn’t have shared the message.
It’s something that I certainly aspire to; but, it’s also something that is extremely difficult to assess about yourself impartially. You never quite know how you come across.
It got me thinking a little more about being humble, and how that shows up in my life. And that’s where the imposter syndrome thoughts started to kick in.
You see, one of the most embarrassing questions for me is ‘so, what do you do?’. Most often heard at those god awful networking events full of shiny suits and dry sandwiches. I’d love to answer honestly by saying “sleep until 9:30am, or 10:30 if I can get away with it; eat Haribo; waste time scrolling through Reels; and put off doing whatever is important that day” - but, it’d fly over their heads.
Instead, I have to translate ‘what do you do’ into ‘what is your work endeavour’, to which I struggle to have an answer. So depending on the circumstances of meeting someone, I ‘run a business’, ‘am in accounting’, ‘do a bit of speaking’, or ‘do a bit of writing’.
I’m really not one for nonsense like “I’m disrupting the world by…”, or «shudder» “I’m a serial entrepreneur…”.
Is this because I feel like an imposter? Actually, I think forms the case against the big question. I’ll come to that later, when we compare and contrast against the “CEO” of a sole trader business with no employees 😇.
I once had an occasion at a House of Lords event, where the room was full of peacocking and chest puffing. I won’t name the event nor the Lord who sponsored it; not out of courtesy or discretion… more because I’m sure that many people have suffered this at many events, and therefore it’s hardly unique!
Someone came over to me and asked the dreaded networking question, and based on the conversation I’d been having in the group that he had entered, I answered “I do a bit of writing”. Specifically, I was talking with someone just before the question, who knew that I had columns in the i Paper and Daily Express at the time, and wanted to know a little more about how it all worked.
I remember his response so clearly.
“Oh, are you hoping to be a journalist one day? I suppose it will pay the bills”.
A loaded response if I’d ever heard one!
I really wanted to unleash a torrent of achievements on him. Or give him a slap. But, I had to check myself. Who was I to think that he should know anything about who I am, what I do, and so on before knowing me? He might have been judgemental, but that’s his problem, not mine. And to presume he was judgemental and not just clumsy with words would be my problem.
So I responded politely, agreed it’d be a fascinating job, and asked him what he did, reminding him that he appeared very successful. I can’t remember if he did or not.
A sprinkling of people pleasing, perhaps?
And as an aside, I think journalism would be fantastic. I’m envious of my mates in that world who get to speak to amazing people, ask the difficult questions, and put in the graft behind the scenes. Whilst the media might be facing tough times, the world needs strong journalists asking the tough questions and doing the tough research to find the answers that we all crave.
The thing is, I’m actually indifferent to social standing. For any overseas readers, this probably seems shocking given the British obsession and nuances around our class system. The response I received may have revealed an element of posturing; but frankly, I don’t give a monkeys if it did. I’m an Essex lad who stands with his mates from school, knows the value of a quid, is aspirational, and respects his elders. I’ve had great times and I’ve had crap times. As has everyone else.
Which perhaps indicates that yes, despite sharing the message from Ainsley, maybe I am humble.
But first, lets address the elephant in the room.
I shared some brief thoughts about this encounter on Instagram and mentioned that I like to learn from others and make them feel good in the process. I prefer to put a smile on their face rather than mine with the things I say. And I got this response.
So yeah, I’m an out and out people pleaser. Is it genuinely me that is humble, or is it my people pleasing that leads me to be humble?
I’d like to think that if it is as a result of wanting to please others, that’s only part of it. One of the things that I try to maintain is that I’m happy to do what I need to do to get by. When faced with difficult times, some will get a second job in Tesco’s, and some will just go bankrupt.
Me?
Show me those checkouts baby, I’m gonna have fun pressing all the buttons!
Because I’ve done my best to keep my feet planted on the ground when things have been good, it means that it’s easier to ride it out when things are bad. I know some people suspect I live on a diet of Michelin star food, five star holidays and so on. I really don’t. My Instagram is living proof of the fact that I’m made up of pie and mash, dodgy football, and enjoying stuff that I didn’t have as a kid! I wouldn’t care if mates saw me doing what others may deem a menial job. Those who do what they need to do are those that I admire in life.
Anyway, back on track. I provided the case for, and promised to provide the case against.
Is my type of response - arguably a ‘played down’ response - to that cringeworthy networking conversation topic a sign of imposter syndrome as well as, or in addition to, being humble?
On reflection, I don’t think so.
If you feel the need to blow your own trumpet, it means you don’t have your own band. And likely, can’t enjoy others playing the trumpet in case they are louder than you.
The more you believe in yourself, the more that you believe that others will believe in you, and the more you can trust the process.
Carl Reader is a WH Smith Bestselling Author and international keynote speaker with a real passion for helping people do better. There are two ways to learn more about Carl! You can either follow him on Social Media if you’re just curious (@carlreader on most platforms), or if you’d like to learn a little more about what he does on stage, through content and in the media from a commercial perspective, you can visit his website.
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